Ordination of Archdeacon Moses
December 27, 2009 by Archdeacon Moses Samaan
Filed under Diocese News
On Saturday, December 26, 2009, at St. Maurice Coptic Orthodox Church, His Grace Bishop Serapion ordained the blessed servant, Paul Saman, as an Archdeacon for the Diocese of Los Angeles to continue his service at St. Demiana Coptic Orthodox Church in San Diego.
Participating in the Divine Liturgy were the reverend Hegumen Fr. Mina Wahba Youssef, Hegumen Fr. Michael Gabriel, Fr. Shenouda Ghattas, Fr. John Paul Abdelsayed, Fr. David Abdelsayed, and Fr. Daniel Habib.
Also, prior to the Divine Liturgy, His Grace Bishop Serapion baptized Samuel Athanasius, son of the newly ordained Archdeacon Moses and Carol.
May Our Lord grant Archdeacon Moses and his family a blessed service for the Glory of His Name.
Ordination of Archdeacon Moses
December 27, 2009 by Archdeacon Moses Samaan
Filed under Diocese News
On Saturday, December 26, 2009, at St. Maurice Coptic Orthodox Church, His Grace Bishop Serapion ordained the blessed servant, Paul Saman, as an Archdeacon for the Diocese of Los Angeles to continue his service at St. Demiana Coptic Orthodox Church in San Diego.
Participating in the Divine Liturgy were the reverend Hegumen Fr. Mina Wahba Youssef, Hegumen Fr. Michael Gabriel, Fr. Shenouda Ghattas, Fr. John Paul Abdelsayed, Fr. David Abdelsayed, and Fr. Daniel Habib.
Also, prior to the Divine Liturgy, His Grace Bishop Serapion baptized Samuel Athanasius, son of the newly ordained Archdeacon Moses and Carol.
May Our Lord grant Archdeacon Moses and his family a blessed service for the Glory of His Name.
On the Apparitions of St. Mary in Egypt
December 27, 2009 by Archdeacon Moses Samaan
Filed under Diocese News
Throughout the past month the world has witnessed the unprecedented visitation of the holy Virgin Mary in the lands of Egypt, across several churches, by tens of thousands of eyewitnesses, and countless miracles and healings.
These apparitions of our holy and blessed Mother began in the month of Kiyahk. During the past weeks, many have been filled with the same question as was in the mouth of St. Elizabeth, “But why is this granted to me, that the mother of my Lord should come to me?” (Luke 1:43). Why is it that St. Mary chose to visit our land in this time? There is no land, other than Egypt, to which the Lord and Holy Family made a special visitation. The deep faith of the Egyptians is well known. There can be many reasons for this visit, but when we return to this gospel we find that the Holy Virgin does not answer St. Elizabeth’s question except with praise for the Lord, Who fills the hungry, grants mercy, and has done “great things” for St. Mary. St. Mary was so filled with the Love of God, and moved to compassion to visit and serve St. Elizabeth for three months in her pregnancy until her conception.
More importantly, St. Elizabeth’s question was sandwiched by praise for the Virgin, “Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb!” she praises the Virgin, and in praise of the virgin, we praise the Lord who took flesh and was incarnate of her. This is the orthodox way to praise the virgin—to praise her through the work God had done in her, and with His incarnation. That is what we do during this blessed month of Kiyahk. She is also blessed because she believed in the promises God granted her.
As the Virgin herself proclaimed, “Henceforth all generations will call me blessed.” This is our duty; this is our pride; this is our strength. We call her blessed for several hours each week. Coptic churches throughout the world praise the Virgin and the Incarnation for hours continuously, with sincere devotion and heartfelt gratitude for His great love for mankind, and her great care for her children. Notice St. Mary appears often in the middle of the night, after the faithful has praised for hours on end in earnest expectation. We praise her for the great work He has done in her, as a living testimony to the great work He seeks to perform in us, should we be so worthy.
He is the Lover of mankind; she loves her each of children. He is our Father of all; she is the Lady of us all. He is the Good Shepherd; she is the blessed mother. He is the Bridegroom; she, the pure and blessed bride. He is the Light of the world; she is the mother of the true Light. He is the Second Adam and the Firstborn of all creation; she is the Second Eve and the pride of our race. He is the Alpha and Omega; She is the Ever-virgin. He is the Holy One; She is the Panagia. We worship You, O Christ; we magnify you, the holy Theotokos.
The pictures and videos only capture a glimpse of her loving care for us. Let us not be only like those people who witnessed the miracles and wonders that our Lord Jesus Christ worked in their streets, but did not benefit and change their lives. Christ came to save them and change their lives; yet they remained the same as they were. They said,”’We ate and drank in Your presence, and You taught in our streets.’ But He will say, ‘I tell you I do not know you, where you are from. Depart from Me, all you workers of iniquity” (Lk. 13:26–27).
Let us truly benefit from these blessed days and apparitions with a renewed heart and changed life. Let us please the Lord and His mother, with hearts full of repentance and deeds reflecting the life of Christ. Let these wondrous apparitions not only be something we talk about as any newsworthy events, but something that changes our lives.
Let her enter into our homes, into our workplaces, into our schools, into our families, into our hearts and never leave. May we be known as the children of God, and the children of St. Mary, who reflect her pure life and His sacrifice on our behalf. Let us seek to please Him as she did. Let us continually thank the Lord and ask for the never-ending intercessions of the Lady of us All, the Holy Theotokos, Saint Mary.
On the Apparitions of St. Mary in Egypt
December 27, 2009 by Archdeacon Moses Samaan
Filed under Diocese News
Throughout the past month the world has witnessed the unprecedented visitation of the holy Virgin Mary in the lands of Egypt, across several churches, by tens of thousands of eyewitnesses, and countless miracles and healings.
These apparitions of our holy and blessed Mother began in the month of Kiahk. During the past weeks, many have been filled with the same question as was in the mouth of St. Elizabeth, “But why is this granted to me, that the mother of my Lord should come to me?” (Luke 1:43). Why is it that St. Mary chose to visit our land in this time? There is no land, other than Egypt, to which the Lord and Holy Family made a special visitation. The deep faith of the Egyptians is well known. There can be many reasons for this visit, but when we return to this gospel we find that the Holy Virgin does not answer St. Elizabeth’s question except with praise for the Lord, Who fills the hungry, grants mercy, and has done “great things” for St. Mary. St. Mary was so filled with the Love of God, and moved to compassion to visit and serve St. Elizabeth for three months in her pregnancy until her conception.
More importantly, St. Elizabeth’s question was enveloped by praise for the Virgin: “Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb!” She praises the Virgin, and in praise of the virgin, we praise the Lord Who took flesh and was incarnate of her. This is the orthodox way to praise the virgin—to praise her through the work God has done in her and through His incarnation. That is what we do during this blessed month of Kiahk. She is also blessed because she believed in the promises God granted her.
As the Virgin herself proclaimed, “Henceforth all generations will call me blessed.” This is our duty; this is our pride; this is our strength. We call her blessed for several hours each week. Coptic churches throughout the world praise the Virgin and the Incarnation for hours continuously, with sincere devotion and heartfelt gratitude for His great love for mankind, and her great care for her children. Notice St. Mary appears often in the middle of the night, after the faithful has praised for hours on end in earnest expectation. We praise her for the great work He has done in her, as a living testimony to the great work He seeks to perform in us, should we be so worthy.
He is the Lover of mankind; she loves her each of children. He is our Father of all; she is the Lady of us all. He is the Good Shepherd; she is the blessed mother. He is the Bridegroom; she, the pure and blessed bride. He is the Light of the world; she is the mother of the true Light. He is the Second Adam and the Firstborn of all creation; she is the Second Eve and the pride of our race. He is the Alpha and Omega; She is the Ever-virgin. He is the Holy One; She is the Panagia. We worship You, O Christ; we magnify you, the holy Theotokos.
The pictures and videos only capture a glimpse of her loving care for us. Let us not be only like those people who witnessed the miracles and wonders that our Lord Jesus Christ worked in their streets, but did not benefit and change their lives. Christ came to save them and change their lives; yet they remained the same as they were. They said,”’We ate and drank in Your presence, and You taught in our streets.’ But He will say, ‘I tell you I do not know you, where you are from. Depart from Me, all you workers of iniquity” (Lk. 13:26–27).
Let us truly benefit from these blessed days and apparitions with a renewed heart and changed life. Let us please the Lord and His mother, with hearts full of repentance and deeds reflecting the life of Christ. Let these wondrous apparitions not only be something we talk about as any newsworthy events, but something that changes our lives.
Let her enter into our homes, into our workplaces, into our schools, into our families, into our hearts and never leave. May we be known as the children of God, and the children of St. Mary, who reflect her pure life and His sacrifice on our behalf. Let us seek to please Him as she did. Let us continually thank the Lord and ask for the never-ending intercessions of the Lady of us All, the Holy Theotokos, Saint Mary.
Ordination of the Blessed Servant Paul Samaan as an Archdeacon
December 23, 2009 by SamG
Filed under Church News, Featured
With great joy, we announce and invite you to the ordination of the blessed servant Paul Samaan as an Archdeacon on Saturday, December 26, at St. Maurice Coptic Orthodox Church in Pomona.
The joyful day begins at 8:00am with the baptism of Samuel Athanasius Samaan, son of Paul and Carol Samaan. The baptism will be followed […]
Understanding the Process of Grief
December 23, 2009 by Archdeacon Moses Samaan
Filed under Diocese News
Modern society is a “death denying and death-defying society”1. We speed along highways, eat fats and sugars to excess, overwork, smoke, pollute, and inject toxins into our faces all with the childish façade that death happens to other people. This is not to say that we ignore death – in fact it is constantly in our faces with up to the second media and technology reporting all the tragedies around the world. Yet, families seem to spend little time discussing death with each other. For instance, how often have we heard a friend of a bereaved person say “Do not talk to them about the loss – it will only upset him/her”?
It is in this larger context of ambiguity that one must suffer with the grief. Modern society often does not provide for awareness of recovery or support. This form of “institutionalized denial” 2 is fostered by the lack of education about bereavement, lack of faith, and unrealistic media.
This paper addresses death and the grieving process. Understanding the process of grief helps to break down the misconceptions of death and bereavement that society holds so dearly – in a frantic fear of what it does not know. It is the hope that by better understanding this process, families can better fight against society’s desires to rush through life, but rather appreciate God’s gifts of human emotional processing.
The Process of Grief
Before moving forward, it must be noted that although there is believed to be a basic outline or process by which grief manifests itself, this by no means normalizes or makes concrete individual experiences. There are many qualities such as culture, personality differences, type of relationship with the lost loved one, and how the death occurred — just to name a few — that affect the intensity, longevity, and process of mourning. Nevertheless, the grief timeline is a useful way to describe the process of grief at it offers a general picture of the mourning experience.
Shock Phase
During the initial, or shock phase, the bereaved usually demonstrate the culturally appropriate and expected emotions associated with grief. Numbness, sadness, fatigue, loneliness, anger, anxiety, and guilt are often felt and may persist for weeks to months. Daily activities are done in an uncaring and mechanistic fashion, similar to the lack of pleasure people with depression often experience. Although this phase of grief may be thought of as a negative experience, it serves an adaptive function as it insulates the mourner from the overwhelming emotional pain by creating a general numbness.
The bereaved often feel a need to be alone. Their anhedonic feelings and numbness reflect a push for emotional distance from others, yet the conditioned response of others is to increase closeness with the bereaved. Although it is ironic that many Western traditions pull people toward the bereaved at a time when they are least likely to appreciate the emotional support and closeness. However, family and friends must not allow the bereaved to derail from the task at hand. Even if they do not demonstrate any desire to have connections with others, pulling away is only counterproductive to growth at this phase of the grief process. All involved need to acknowledge the depression and social displeasure as part of the grief process and help them work through it.
Disorganization Phase
The disorganization phase presents some of the most difficult challenges for families. It is considered the most painful and intense feelings of grief. Because of the strong emotions of this phase, the bereaved come to appreciate close interpersonal relationships that allow them to express their feelings in a safe and loving environment. However, these strong feelings sometimes seem too intense and difficult for friends and family to contain with their loved ones. Unfortunately, many may try to escape and distance themselves from the bereaved, making this time an even more needy and difficult phase. While mourners long to talk about and feel close to their lost ones, most of their friends are not comfortable dealing with the intensity of the pain and longing.
It is at this most inopportune time that many friends and family members will encourage the bereaved to stop talking about the deceased. They claim that it is not helpful or healthy for the bereaved to wallow in their painful emotions – “We shouldn’t talk about it anymore because it just makes you feel so terrible.”
Not only does the emotional intensity of this phase put a strain on the mourner’s interpersonal relationships, but it also makes it difficult for people to fulfill their day-to-day duties and roles. Thus, the difficulty and inner turmoil of this time leads grievers to believe they are “going crazy” and that their world “can never be right again”. Their lives, emotions, relationships, and behaviors seem unmanageable and painful.
It is critical to understand that the overwhelming feelings of grief in this phase can be manifested in a variety of emotions, such as sadness, anger, anxiety, and guilt.
Reorganization Phase
Through prayer, time, tears, and major adjustments to life, the bereaved is finally able to reenter their world in a more satisfying and meaningful way through the reorganization phase. Their social interactions and daily functioning are restored to a level comparable to before the loss. Although they may still have deep feelings of loss for their loved ones, the emotions of grief are less intense and overwhelming. In this phase, it is said the bereaved are better able to create new and balanced relationships with the living and the deceased.
Importance of Family and Friends
Death and loss will inevitably be faced all living beings, making the process of grief a “social network crisis”. Although the pain of grief is experienced individually, the pain and healing occurs within the context of relationships.
It becomes important for the families and friends to build relationships with each family member’s unique experience with the loss. Those who appreciate the experience of the bereaved and understand his/her own pace of healing becomes a more powerful helper.
In an attempt to join the mourner’s experience, one is required to be aware of the common social pressures placed on the bereaved to not express their intense feelings. It is essential that the caregiver to create a safe environment for the bereaved to do so – for many people, this may be the only place in which they feel respected enough to do so. An individual’s expressions of anger, sadness, guilt, and other painful emotions must be appreciated as normal, functional, and holy.
March 2009
RESOURCES ON THE PROCESS OF GRIEF
Grief and Loss. http://www.aarp.org/life/griefandloss
James, J., & Cherry, F. (1984). The Grief Recovery Handbook: A Step-By-Step Program for
Moving Beyond Loss. New York: Harper & Row Publishers.
Rando, T. (1984). Grief, Dying, and Death. Champaign, IL: Research Press.
Shapiro, E. (1994). Grief as a Family Process. New York: Guilford Press.
Tames, R. (1977). Living with an Empty Chair. Amherst, MA: Mandela.
Wynot, Gregory P. (2006). Jesus Wept: A Psychospiritual Handbook of Death, Grief, and
Bereavement Counseling for Eastern Orthodox Clergy. Lincoln, NE: iUniverse.
The Nurse of Hope: Patience in Tribulations
December 18, 2009 by Archdeacon Moses Samaan
Filed under Diocese News
The blessed prophet David shows that those who put their trust in God were most courageous when he says, “Act like men and let your hearts be strong, all you who hope in the Lord” (Ps. 31:24, LXX). For those plants which are in pleasure gardens both increase, bloom, and are raised to a great height by abundant streams of waters. And a man’s soul, by the comforts and encouragements of the Holy Spirit, becomes brave in piety, is made firm in faith, and gets that unbreakable patience which the blessed Paul admired more than all other virtues and so says, “And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint” (Romans 5:3–5). Therefore, patience is the supplier and winner of all good to us, a way of approval and esteem, a nurse of the hope which is unto the life to come. But in what way shall we correct ourselves and improve as it regards patience? The Scripture of God teaches by saying, “My child, when you come to serve the Lord, prepare your soul for tribulation. Set your heart aright and be steadfast and endure” (Sirach 2:1).
Perhaps someone will say, “Is there no other way for man to acquire approval and esteem? Couldn’t he have set himself aright as it regards good without toil?”
“In no way,” he says.
“And for what reason?”
[I answer], because those who plot against the saints are very many and the war about them is terrible, and for that reason the Savior Himself was saying, “In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). Therefore, precisely because there is much war from every side against the saints, it is necessary for them to bear up bravely and stoutly against the assaults of temptations and trials, and to keep in memory the following saying of a disciple:“Blessed is the man who endures tribulation; for when he is tried and approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him” (James 1:12).
But, I wish to adduce something by means of more ancient examples, that you may learn the result of good spiritual courage. The tyrants of the Babylonians and those who had the administration of kingly thrones among them, were somehow always very prone to cruelty and arrogance. And, overpassing the bounds of humanity they wished to usurp to themselves that honor which belongs alone to the Pantocrator. Therefore, the accursed Nebuchadnezzar set up a golden image while sweet-toned instruments sounded subservient to it and he commanded that the people subject to him bow to it (Dan. 3).But when the Babylonians led into the midst of the Hebrew boys (they were Ananians, Azarias, and Misael), they began to command them to “worship to the golden image,” and to force the most noble and God-loving race to slip down to the “same sin with themselves,” and to “worship to the golden image”; but they did not at all succeed. And so, being foiled by the love of those boys for God, they inflicted on them the punishment of fire.
And the accusation against those thus overreached and maltreated was firmness in faith, fixedness in piety, [and] refusal to worship a man, and their not being willing to hold those opinions which insult and outrage the divine nature.
But when they were cast into the furnace of fire, then indeed, occurred that great manifestation of the power unspeakable. For the power of the elements was changed into that which is against its nature and the fire obeyed the wishes and decrees of the Creator, and the flame was transformed into a dewy whistling wind. And the youth (οἱ νεανίαι), perceiving that the assistance was from above, began to chant in the furnace of fire and made the fire a mild thing by their chanting of hymns to God.That furnace was a figure of the Church which has, as holy choirs (χορευτάς), not only men, but angels also.
You have admired the virtue of those men. You have praised their patience, and the greatness of their love for God. Let us see in what state matters are with us. For they indeed were under barbarian tyrants: but we are under pious scepters, for we have most pious [men as] rulers of all things. How [then] shall we give in to our enemies? For even though plotters kindle a furnace, and though they wake the flames of perversity by bringing in to us man-worship (ἀνθρωπολατρεία), nevertheless, we have a God in heaven—we will worship Him.
For being God by nature, He became like us, not casting away His being God, but honoring the nature of men [by taking it on Him]. He is able to deliver us. For following the faith of the most religious Emperors, and knowing the greatness of the gentleness that is in them, we will not endure the bungling and evil [doctrine] of our opponents, but we will confess that the Immanuel is God by Nature. And saying that, and so continuing we shall gain that recompense which is the greatest possible. And what is that? He Himself will teach us by saing, “Therefore whoever confesses Me before men, him I will also confess before My Father who is in the heavens. But whoever denies Me before men, him I will also deny before My Father who is in the heavens” (Matthew 10:32–33).
But he who says that He is very God and rebukes those who disbelieve [it], confesses Him. And on the other hand, he who says not that He is very God but contends against those who do acknowledge Him [too be so], he denies Him. Therefore, the Savior of all will deny them, but will confess us: the Savior of all, through Whom, and with Whom be the glory and the might to God the Father, forever. Amen.
Grief and Healing within the Family
December 14, 2009 by Archdeacon Moses Samaan
Filed under Diocese News
All humans are influenced by their interactions with significant others throughout their lives. One’s social context helps people understand, organize, and define themselves and their situations. Thus it is common and natural that the loss of a significant other brings a great loss of one’s own identity and reality.
The loss of a person who has been so important in defining one’s self and environment leads a person to grief. The absence of this relationship forces people to search for alternative guides to help them understand this situation and themselves. They often feel lost in their basic ability to interpret and define events, feelings, and meanings for their new life experiences without their loved ones. Thus, grief grows from emotional pain to an uncertainty about one’s self, future, and purpose. All this plus the need for the bereaved to create a new meaning to life and death can be extremely overwhelming. Safe and loving support from friend and family is crucial to get through these changes in a healthy way.
Four Tasks of Mourning
These four basic tasks, or challenges, must be successfully completed for a person to move on to a healthy life after the death of a loved one. Just as a child must successfully pass through each phase of development to grow into a healthy adult, a mourner must pass through each of these tasks to reestablish healthy functioning.
The four tasks include accepting the reality of the loss, experiencing the pain, adapting to a new environment, and reinvesting one’s emotional energy. This timeline gives the family a better understanding of the process of grief and healing– allowing for the space and knowledge of how to help their mourners come back to reality without their lost beloved.
Accept the Reality of Loss
The first task of mourning is accepting the death and the loss. It is not easy for anyone to help mourners through this task. However, there are several ways for family members and friends to know that the bereaved is moving towards through this challenge, such as subtle shifts in speech and needs. For example, a mourner becomes able to speak about the deceased less in the present tense and more in the past tense with time and acceptance. This may also include the family’s ability to incorporate the deceased into conversations less painfully.
One helpful way to measure progress is the way deceased’s possessions are used. It is not uncommon for people to use their loved one’s possessions as transitional objects through this difficult time. Immediately after a loss, the grieving may hold closely onto a possession of the deceased. He/she will always carry that object and is greatly distressed if it is misplaced. As the grief passes, the bereaved person is able to separate from the object only if he/she knows where it is and how to access it easily. With time, the object is finally able to be put away in a treasured place for safekeeping. It is important to understand that the acceptance of death is a process — not an end point. The bereaved will forever experience their pain to some degree throughout his/her lifetime. But the task of this phase is for the system to simply accept the fact of loss and not deny the impact it will have on one’s life. It is also important to note that our Orthodox faith dictates that physical death is not necessarily permanent loss – rather it is a temporary pause in relationship until we meet each other again in Paradise with the Lord. The deceased is not dead, but fully alive with the Lord.
Walk through the Pain of Grief
The second, and most difficult, task of mourning is to allow oneself to experience the emotions, whatever they might be – sadness, abandonment, anger, confusion. Surprisingly, it is usually at around this time that society expects the bereaved to have completed and “gotten over” the pain. Friends and support systems begin to pull away and return to their “normal” lives and expect the grievers to follow. But to the contrary, this is usually the most intensely emotional phase in the grief process. When others begin to pull away, it leaves the griever feeling even more alone than ever! The bereaved are often cautioned not to talk about the deceased anymore, even though this is the most important time to do so. They will hear things like, “You should stop taking about him, it only makes you feel worse.” But that is not the case, by talking about the loss, the mourner gets to release his/her emotions and begin to heal. When the mourner is forced to stay quiet, it makes them feel as if their painful emotions are inappropriate, “abnormal”, “out of control”, and that they can never belong in this world again. Furthermore, family functioning is greatly impacted during this time, as grief hinders the family members’ ability to perform their duties, day-to-day roles and activities. This problem is dealt with during the next task of mourning.
Adjust to an Environment where the Deceased is Missing
Adapting to a new environment without the deceased is the third task of bereavement. By now, one’s system has had time to allow the shock to subside. They are beginning to settle down and live with the loss. With time comes the realization that the death has brought many unwanted changes in the functioning of the family, and the pain is highlighted everyday when the practical, everyday routines are no longer routine without the deceased. For example, if a wife is used to having to husband drive her to the market every Tuesday and leave the light on in the kitchen for when they return home – the Tuesdays without her husband will feel especially difficult when she finds she has to shop alone and come home to a dark house.
The adaptation process requires individuals, and the family as a whole, to shift and create new patterns. The family must be flexible in order to cope with the disorganization and grief. They must be willing to shift relationship boundaries and delegate new family roles and responsibilities.
Emotionally Relocate the Deceased and Move on with Life
The final task of mourning is to reinvestment the emotional energy into new relationships with the living. In other words, individuals must strive to give less energy to the pain of their loss and reserve their efforts and heart for re-creating their previous, close relationships. This is not to say that the bereaved has completely abandoned the deceased from their everyday experience, but is now able to focus on living in the other areas of their lives – keeping space and respect for the deceased, while making room in one’s heart for new or rekindled relationships and growth. Be aware that with this growing happiness, sometimes comes difficult feelings of disloyalty, guilt, or fear as they begin to care for others again. It is important to remember to hand over to the Lord all our hardships and burdens, in order to allow space for Him to shine His light and warmth into our souls.
Conclusion
Death and loss are faced at one time or another by all people. Bereavement centers around individual pain, however, grief occurs within social relationship. Unfortunately, people who are mourning usually lack the focus, energy, or flexibility to deal easily with others. Due to this stress of grief, one’s availability to others declines – often making it difficult for family and friends to support one another.
Besides grief’s pain, the disorganization it causes, and the tendency it has to make people less available to support one another, is the problem of forming new rules, patterns, and purpose for life. However studies show that the single best indicator of distress one month after a loss is lack of interaction with close friends. Therefore, providing appropriate social support and understanding the four tasks of mourning are the most effective ways of decreasing the distress of bereavement.
Grief and Healing within the Family
December 14, 2009 by Archdeacon Moses Samaan
Filed under Diocese News
All humans are influenced by their interactions with significant others throughout their lives. One’s social context helps people understand, organize, and define themselves and their situations. Thus it is common and natural that the loss of a significant other brings a great loss of one’s own identity and reality.
The loss of a person who has been so important in defining one’s self and environment leads a person to grief. The absence of this relationship forces people to search for alternative guides to help them understand this situation and themselves. They often feel lost in their basic ability to interpret and define events, feelings, and meanings for their new life experiences without their loved ones. Thus, grief grows from emotional pain to an uncertainty about one’s self, future, and purpose. All this plus the need for the bereaved to create a new meaning to life and death can be extremely overwhelming. Safe and loving support from friend and family is crucial to get through these changes in a healthy way.
Four Tasks of Mourning
These four basic tasks, or challenges, must be successfully completed for a person to move on to a healthy life after the death of a loved one. Just as a child must successfully pass through each phase of development to grow into a healthy adult, a mourner must pass through each of these tasks to reestablish healthy functioning.
The four tasks include accepting the reality of the loss, experiencing the pain, adapting to a new environment, and reinvesting one’s emotional energy. This timeline gives the family a better understanding of the process of grief and healing– allowing for the space and knowledge of how to help their mourners come back to reality without their lost beloved.
Accept the Reality of Loss
The first task of mourning is accepting the death and the loss. It is not easy for anyone to help mourners through this task. However, there are several ways for family members and friends to know that the bereaved is moving towards through this challenge, such as subtle shifts in speech and needs. For example, a mourner becomes able to speak about the deceased less in the present tense and more in the past tense with time and acceptance. This may also include the family’s ability to incorporate the deceased into conversations less painfully.
One helpful way to measure progress is the way deceased’s possessions are used. It is not uncommon for people to use their loved one’s possessions as transitional objects through this difficult time. Immediately after a loss, the grieving may hold closely onto a possession of the deceased. He/she will always carry that object and is greatly distressed if it is misplaced. As the grief passes, the bereaved person is able to separate from the object only if he/she knows where it is and how to access it easily. With time, the object is finally able to be put away in a treasured place for safekeeping. It is important to understand that the acceptance of death is a process — not an end point. The bereaved will forever experience their pain to some degree throughout his/her lifetime. But the task of this phase is for the system to simply accept the fact of loss and not deny the impact it will have on one’s life. It is also important to note that our Orthodox faith dictates that physical death is not necessarily permanent loss – rather it is a temporary pause in relationship until we meet each other again in Paradise with the Lord. The deceased is not dead, but fully alive with the Lord.
Walk through the Pain of Grief
The second, and most difficult, task of mourning is to allow oneself to experience the emotions, whatever they might be – sadness, abandonment, anger, confusion. Surprisingly, it is usually at around this time that society expects the bereaved to have completed and “gotten over” the pain. Friends and support systems begin to pull away and return to their “normal” lives and expect the grievers to follow. But to the contrary, this is usually the most intensely emotional phase in the grief process. When others begin to pull away, it leaves the griever feeling even more alone than ever! The bereaved are often cautioned not to talk about the deceased anymore, even though this is the most important time to do so. They will hear things like, “You should stop taking about him, it only makes you feel worse.” But that is not the case, by talking about the loss, the mourner gets to release his/her emotions and begin to heal. When the mourner is forced to stay quiet, it makes them feel as if their painful emotions are inappropriate, “abnormal”, “out of control”, and that they can never belong in this world again. Furthermore, family functioning is greatly impacted during this time, as grief hinders the family members’ ability to perform their duties, day-to-day roles and activities. This problem is dealt with during the next task of mourning.
Adjust to an Environment where the Deceased is Missing
Adapting to a new environment without the deceased is the third task of bereavement. By now, one’s system has had time to allow the shock to subside. They are beginning to settle down and live with the loss. With time comes the realization that the death has brought many unwanted changes in the functioning of the family, and the pain is highlighted everyday when the practical, everyday routines are no longer routine without the deceased. For example, if a wife is used to having to husband drive her to the market every Tuesday and leave the light on in the kitchen for when they return home – the Tuesdays without her husband will feel especially difficult when she finds she has to shop alone and come home to a dark house.
The adaptation process requires individuals, and the family as a whole, to shift and create new patterns. The family must be flexible in order to cope with the disorganization and grief. They must be willing to shift relationship boundaries and delegate new family roles and responsibilities.
Emotionally Relocate the Deceased and Move on with Life
The final task of mourning is to reinvestment the emotional energy into new relationships with the living. In other words, individuals must strive to give less energy to the pain of their loss and reserve their efforts and heart for re-creating their previous, close relationships. This is not to say that the bereaved has completely abandoned the deceased from their everyday experience, but is now able to focus on living in the other areas of their lives – keeping space and respect for the deceased, while making room in one’s heart for new or rekindled relationships and growth. Be aware that with this growing happiness, sometimes comes difficult feelings of disloyalty, guilt, or fear as they begin to care for others again. It is important to remember to hand over to the Lord all our hardships and burdens, in order to allow space for Him to shine His light and warmth into our souls.
Conclusion
Death and loss are faced at one time or another by all people. Bereavement centers around individual pain, however, grief occurs within social relationship. Unfortunately, people who are mourning usually lack the focus, energy, or flexibility to deal easily with others. Due to this stress of grief, one’s availability to others declines – often making it difficult for family and friends to support one another.
Besides grief’s pain, the disorganization it causes, and the tendency it has to make people less available to support one another, is the problem of forming new rules, patterns, and purpose for life. However studies show that the single best indicator of distress one month after a loss is lack of interaction with close friends. Therefore, providing appropriate social support and understanding the four tasks of mourning are the most effective ways of decreasing the distress of bereavement.
Grand Opening of Archangel Raphael Church Building
December 11, 2009 by Archdeacon Moses Samaan
Filed under Diocese News
On December 7, 2009, His Grace Bishop Serapion and several diocesan priests celebrated the grand opening of the new church building at Archangel Raphael Coptic Orthodox Church in Palmdale, California. His Grace was joined by His Eminence Archbishop Mor Clemis Eugene Kaplan, the Patriarchal Vicar of the Syrian Orthodox Archdiocese of the Western United States and several dignitaries, including:
- Mr. Norm Hickling, Field Agent for Los Angeles County Supervisor Michael Antonovitch
- Mr. Isaac Barcelona, Representative from City Councilman Pete Knite
- Mr. Drew Mercy, Representative from Congressman George Runner
- Mr. Raj Malhi, Representative from Lancaster Mayor R. Rex Parris
- Father Angus Dower from the Anglican Church
- Father Leo Dechant from Father Sierra Church
- Representatives from Grace Resource Center
The Diocese congratulates the clergy and congregation of Archangel Raphael Church for the blessing of this new church building and prays that the Lord may continue to bless thirty, sixty, and a hundredfold.










